You Never Answered My Desperate Letters

you will never understand
i will stop staring at his lips
the second he stops staring at me
and
if you cannot hold me anymore
please stop holding me with your stare
you make me melt and
ive never liked the heat

i am insatiable

reckless they say although not to my face
my heart rides waves of tumult it
stares storms in the face without blinking
(mostly because ive never known hearts to have eyes
even though they have fear)
i want
to fall in love courageously

diving head first into the abyss
the water has always scared me
and i tend to fall flat
painful
a little stupid
what is irrational creates us

i want to fall in love irrationally and
believe that it will last forever

Remembering

i want you to remember me
even if i have to give you the matches
to burn my image in your eyes
until even when you blink you wonder
why im still there
sleeping inside your eyelids
keeping you awake

i want you to remember me even if i have to give you the ink
so you can draw me onto your skin until
my image is coursing through your veins and
actually
touching your heart in a way even my
most honest words couldnt and

i want you to
much later feel the need to tell me
that you remember
to scream it in late night messages
to whisper it to people
you can only hope that i still talk to
(i probably dont)
lets leave people wondering
why you so urgently need to talk to me

i dont want you to forget

I (Really Don’t) Miss You

indelible the face of the setting sun
and really
fancy chocolate that you cant afford but steal
from even fancier hotels the lobby that you wait in
when youre trying to get warm before you
get to wherever you are going
you feel the same but you tell yourself that
you feel different because here is here moments ago you
wanted to be and werent

i dont miss you today tonight tomorrow
i never have and never will
i never miss your warm hands on my cold skin
if i ever find myself missing you i take a deep breath and
pretend that it never happened because simply
it never did

fanciful like the freshest bread on the table
wine glasses half full music on
that no one is listening to because the conversation is
too overwhelming
the greatest hug of words
companionship that you had only dreamed of one time
the only dream you had ever remembered
the reason that you believed all dreams have meanings

no dreams have meaning unless you are a dreamer
im not because i dream of dark tunnels
and piles of candy bars
of getting lost or fat
of crying into the arms of the people that have hurt me
and i scream for you which makes no sense
because
like i said
ive never missed you once

Irrationality #4

i think i should say ive skipped
meaningless kisses on late nights that always
ended up in me crying because im simply only
good enough in moments
and only good enough for myself in fragments

my story was never pretty

let me say i dont want to write this
its the very first thing that hurts me hands
to type onto this blank screen

i almost skipped you and im not even a little bit sorry

i will think of you in silences
and i will learn to crush my feelings
into finer grains of sand
because i was never really good at being
a glass figurine anyhow

you had honest hands and a broken heart
i had neither but i always pretended we were the same
a secret thread of beauty whispered about
in silences (much prettier than the other kinds of noise)
i was delusional of course
i always am but you
you made me think of starlight in new ways
without ever having talked of the stars

we are friends now or so we say
as i walk away from you faster than i could think
of an excuse to tell you why i need to leave
instead i dont speak i let you revel in the broken silence
and i confuse myself at every turn

i was only good for you in moments and
i cant pretend that i am still okay when you say
you want to meet up at 2 a.m. and i am alone
if you are not here i do
not want you to be

Irrationality #2

there were lots of things i didnt know about you
like how you enjoyed donning a superhero cape
and pretending like you could save
my day and my life
by your presence i would be fixed

i guess no one told you that i am not a some sort of
material object
and mostly what was broken needed to be that way

i was fragments and anger but
you said i had a “shitty taste in music and movies”
is there a poetic way to say that?
i remember thinking this was what it was like
to come home to a boy stuck
in the 1950’s

sometimes i cringe when i think about you
im sorry that comes off so cold
you never were a “bad person”
perhaps not the person i needed

i never hated you although i hated the way your mother
gave me dirty looks for months
as if the way i “broke your heart” was unforgivable
although it was necessary
and the way your sister pointed jaded looks at my sister
as if either of them
were ever wrapped up in any of this

you loved PDA kisses and i hated the thought of you
almost instantly

i never knew i was your first kiss
im sorry because i know i shattered some ideals of women
maybe you didnt know that you shouldnt have said
“youre not going to school for a real major”
maybe no one ever taught you to validate
every
single
person despite their differences

it feels weird
to pretend to talk to you now when youre the
only one who never made an appearance back into my life
except the day after we “broke up”
and you asked if i was okay
i never had the heart to tell you
i was breathing easier than i had been in awhile

i guess this poem is wrong because
apologies are really hard and im not really
sorry for anything
although i should be

Midnight

im really mad because
its midnight and im hungry
i shouldnt have skipped lunch
or dinner
ive eaten too much candy my stomach hurts
there is nothing poetic about that
i have eaten too much sugar because my anxiety loves sugar
and not real calories that my brain loves

im really mad because
i was supposed to be unbreakable
so the warranty said- good for one life
and i feel broken
because the bruises on the insides are much weirder and unexpected
id rather fall and break a bone than to know
the damage of my soul

im really mad because im wasted
nope
im sober but ive wasted hours of my life today staring at screens
and goading myself into working
on the play that still isnt read
the paper that still isnt written
the expectations that are still left unfulfilled
cannot be reached

im mad because i care too much and i dont care
and these tidal waves hit each other at awkward angles
i feel dizzy
i feel sick
i wish i had taken more swimming lessons
i hate that i still am scared of diving
its not a metaphor but hey, if you want it to be go for it

im mad because my tongue tastes sticky sweet
because my life is radio silence
and void of the vicarious things that make the sweetness bearable
my bed is too cold
my body is too
96 degrees Fahrenheit average but i will love someone
someday with the fire that i do not have inside me

im mad because my night is far from over
because i wanted nothing more than to not be alone
because i have carefully plodded my way along but i still
hate the paths ive chosen

im mad because its midnight and it should be different

Broken Glasses

among whispered words and
hazy nights
you learned my insecurities and you broke me
bruising me in ways that still
hurt
in ways that i know i will not recover
i try to breathe easier
but you hold my lungs underwater
maybe you always knew i couldnt swim
although im sure i never told you

the street lights turn off in the morning before
the sun rises and the world
inhales in the darkness
cars drive too fast they honk their horns and stomp on their breaks
we dont understand that the world is weak because
we pretend to be too strong
although we let ourselves cry in the shower
in the secret
in the darkness that the morning promises but never holds on to

i loved you violently
in screaming words that made no sense
and scribbled poems on loose sheets of paper that ended in the garbage
i never gave you the power i held within me
i never showed you the terror that my heart held
when i gave it up

i hated you quietly
with your digs and indecisions and drunken text messages
that always left a bitter taste in my mouth
i hated you in the way you looked at her and the way you looked at me
and how these looks were different
the way they couldnt align were the ways
they cut me

i loved you like holding a broken glass
because i couldnt let it go
even as pieces of you embedded underneath my skin and
made me bleed
i loved you despite the pain
and you looked away because i was an ugly
bleeding mess

Existence

there is a hollowness
where once words wound themselves into
tight circular vines without meaning
or intent and
there once was a
girl who sat behind a pile of papers and didnt cry
for the dying trees
but cried for her dying soul
and there once were photographs that mattered
faces with fading smiles
faces with caught of guard genuinely happy in the moment not directed at a lens
sort of expressions
that we fall in love with
there once was love

the past blinded us and burned our skin
and gave us scars with embarrassing stories of tripping over ourselves
in the process of tripping into what we call adulthood
we are penniless and scared
as we reveal our bodies and our souls and
hope there is free food to satisfy our hungry stomachs
we try to heal our bodies on ramen and tea
but we cannot heal our aching hearts
who long to be in this in between space
forever
and also to grow up faster

there were tired searching hands
that held textbooks and overpriced cups of coffee
that needed to find each other but instead
found the unfulfilling touch of someone who
doesnt care
we are not searching for love
in spaces reserved for romance tales and story book endings
we are not searching for love
at all

our hearts beat differently to the same drummed out pattern
of the society we have created
molded
passed on to those around us
the same that has made us laugh and cry
and kick ourselves as we lay screaming on the ground
as we feel pain course through our bodies
coining the phrase life isnt fair
to justify the magnitude of our sorrows

they have said my heart only hurts because a man
boy
child doesnt love me in the ways he should
what if my heart hurts in spite of his love (there is no love)

what if my heart hurts because there are people dying
who should be alive
and there are people bullied
who should be happy and thriving
because uniqueness should not be diminished to conformity
because shining in a different light is still shining
although we call it stupid

our loves
our lives our existence is fruitless and vain
and beautiful beyond compare
i want to rip my heart out of my chest
and throw it away
i want to cradle own heart and tell it
everything will be okay if it keeps marching on
i want to
tell myself that i am beautiful
i want to scream that he is perfect and stupid and
i want to scream for my life to be over
and to never stop

im where i belong and everywhere i shouldnt be

Middle of the sentence

and leaving him is like ripping off a band aid
every. single. time.
because our moments are uncertain and fleeting
explanations are are not necessary in the moment
and afterwards i will have buried myself
six feet under the ability to ask and care and inquire
and desire something more for myself

all we have is fleeting

the movie flashes behind my eyelids and he is fast asleep
my hand is numb in his and i dare not move because
the image will be shattered and neither of us
would put it back together
i am a polaroid picture
faded and useless
archaic and some sort of momento of past smiles
past moments past memories
that we decided would make
perfect pictures

he is glass and heat and the sunset
and i dare not ask any questions
just let him inhale the smell of my shampoo and exhale
that he is so
so happy
that i am here
and later

later everything will be more permanent
it will be empty
resoundingly meaningless

later i will walk home in high heels
that cut my feet
i will wrap my hands tighter around my body
i will think of the moment i woke up

freezing

and shattered the moment to pursue my own bed
my own warmth and my own blankets
and the sun hit his face perfectly
but i didnt wake him
i ripped off the bandaid

nothing is permanent

and i walked the street alone
thinking of the thousand places i could be
how happy i have to be that i am
right
here

everything we have is fleeting

Love Yourself

we create spaces for others and kick ourselves out of our own hearts and we want happiness for everyone when we forget to find happiness for ourselves
why do we forget that self love is as important
as love
of music and your best friend
and love of your mother and father
and love of your favorite food
and favorite teacher
favorite band and artist and author
why do we forget to love ourselves
when we so passionately love fictional characters
perfect quotes
and perfect photographs
our hearts will melt as we watch the sunset even though
we will cringe when we look in the mirror
and we are always saying
“wow I love your dress” to our best girl friends
who wear pretty dresses with a warped confidence that speaks volumes
but
we will never say that we love the dresses we are in
the clothes we drape across our beautiful bodies are nothing more
than the way we hide
and why cant we love our skin
with all its birthmarks
scars tattoos and wrinkles

i love you and him and her
my best friend
a boy i never met
a sister a cousin a brother and a family
dogs
chocolate bars and hot tea
i love movies that make me laugh and cry
and yet the words i love myself
stay solidified in doubt and painful memories but i want them to be true
and i want to shout them louder than ive ever spoke in my life