The Words Are Failing

The frustration that comes when
you know words
are failing you is the same
as burning your hand on something
you knew was going to be hot.
You want to cry about the blister on your finger
but you want to yell at yourself for touching it in the first place.
WHY AREN’T THE WORDS WORKING?
You scream that in the shower
but actually you just kind of say it because
you don’t want anyone to
hear and think you’re going crazy
because you probably are anyway
why prolong the process?
But the words aren’t working and
that is capital F frustrating.
You say your words louder
and louder doesn’t make them make
any more sense
because they are still failing you
and failing everyone else and
you don’t want to be crazy
but they are making
you crazy.

This Is Me Not Thanking You

i think once i was young and then once i was not so young
i think once i was scared and then once
i was so scared i forgot how to be scared
and i felt okay
not great but okay and that changed everything

one day i was really young, younger than i am now and younger
than i will ever be
and you grabbed my hand
and i said “oh!” because i wasnt expecting how warm your hands
would be in mine
i had no idea that my hands were even missing heat
they always feel cold now
not in a bad way but
it always hurts a little to know what youre missing

one day i was a little bit older
ill confess i was just a few hours older and you kissed me
and i didnt say anything because that
would have ruined
the moment i knew i had been missing
something
so indefinable and warm
and so uniquely you
my lips dont miss you which i guess
is bad because my hands are always screaming for your hands
but my lips are fickle
and always speak without thinking

i am a little older than i was and i
am so much less scared because of you
maybe i want to thank you but
not really because if it hadnt been you maybe it would have been someone
else
you didnt break my heart
so thank you for that but i have to tell
you that right when my hands held my own heart
poised to give it to you
i dropped it
yes yes
i know so maybe you didnt break it
but i sure did and
i walked away without even trying to pick
up one
singular piece

i willed my heart to you and
my hands scream for you
but this is not a thank you
this is me telling you that i
am braver now
and less alone in my
alone-ness
and my lips dont miss you
and thats okay
not great
but perfectly okay

Melting

one day i really will melt into
that puddle of nothingness
i always say i will
end up as
and maybe some people will cry
but most people will step
in what i used to be because
they didnt see that i was there and
i wont be sad because
i didnt remember to leave a sign
that said caution wet floor
before i melted away because
i am always forgetting the most important parts of everything

maybe that day will be tomorrow
because tomorrow is thursday and
thursdays are always kind of
eh
i think maybe it should have been on tuesday
because what is worse than tuesday
except for wednesday

i think i will miss the stacks of books that i
once could stack and re stack
and read and re read and
memorize and forget and
memorize again but maybe
ill melt away next to them
so that i can pretend i am still all of the things i
once was.

Intoxication.

morning came quickly
breathing a sigh of relief
as a voice wakes me up
eternal slumber ends
nightmares flash
my eyelids are supposed to be my sanctuary
but they are burned with images
picture perfect
idealistic
nothingness that i live off of

waking up with the thought of you
the poison on my tongue
the heat of your hand
i swallow
hard
it doesnt help because it
is early and life moves quickly
i move slowly

my eyes open
you fade away and breathing comes easier
coldness comes quicker
and relief floods my brain
my body
my heart my everything
is so full of you it forgets
how to be
empty

emptiness is deceiving
it can be
devastating
it can be fulfilling embrace
the empty
embrace yourself

i laugh at how weird
it feels to embrace everything that is
left without you
here and i laugh
because i am laughing
and
i am full of nothing
but at least i am
not still
so intoxicated on you

Not Yours.

I am writing you this because words have always held my hand and my tongue has always betrayed me. I am afraid of how my voice sounds in the silence, is that crazy? I think cutting the air with words is brave and I lack the power. I think people are born with bravery, I have always been drowning in this fear. Anyway I’m writing you this because you are important and I am leaving.
I was never yours, you were never mine. That’s okay, these words of possession should apply to things- to books, to blankets, to safe havens of bedrooms and kitchen tables. But even in theory I was never yours. I don’t think I wanted to be although my head was constantly screaming that I did. I mean, my mind is always screaming something although it is so rarely welcome. Is that crazy? I know hearing voices is not exactly normal mental behavior but these unwelcome voices are all mine, I don’t know if that matters. Anyway, I am leaving because I have to. I want to even, although that may be pushing it. I have looked at enough faces, read enough words and eaten enough meals now to understand that I was never yours, not even in theory. I have cried enough times in the shower or into my pillow and woken up too many times to tell everyone that shares the air I do that I am doing well, striving even. I have dreamt enough of your face to know that you are not here and won’t be, even in theory. I have locked away my phone enough times to silently anger the last few people that shatter the walls and enter my world and to know your name won’t be on the screen. I am not sorry. I am okay, striving even and I am leaving, in theory of course because I was never yours.

Experimentations in No Punctuation- Words I Should Say #4

this space
has confused me
where am i supposed to be looking
or what am i supposed to be
feeling is the objective of the darkness
to scare away the fear or create it
and if i scream will a noise even
come out
will it shatter
the illusion we
have created
i do not scream because breaking
things is
what i do and i promised myself i wouldnt
i hate you now
and i wont tell you that
but i think you should know
i want to wake you up with the
burning sun and burning eyes
and i want you to know that
i do not want to be her like i
once did

Peace and Nightmares

Peace is found
the morning after nightmares
of darkness and endless roads
that twist into the depths of the unknown.
And peace will be found after the
unearthing of
panic
and secrets and knowledge
that is unreachable without
courage.
And on the journey for peace
and calmness
I want you to know
that you will not find me.
That I have fear
and no courage,
that I am tainted and weak
and shamed
and afraid and everything
ever is
making me burrow into the nightmares
that control me.