And we’re all really liars

i told myself i was gonna be just fine
i never lie i
never lie
we read like updates on a newsfeed
short little sentences bursts of something interesting until its 4 am
and you realize nothing is new and nothing is sacred
ive been here before
these sheets feel exactly the same my heart feels broken in different places
i call this healing
i never lie i never lie
the words tumble out of me and i lose them before i understand them
scraping nails in the dirt i dont think i will ever get them back
i didnt expect to taste blood when our lips met

youre a bug bite
a constant itch an ugly mark destined to be a small
barely noticeable scar
only there because i know its there
keep yourself young keep yourself hungry
im looking for inspiration in garbage cans because
everything else somehow reminds me of you and
im so tired

i didnt find love when i found you
but i sure did try and convince myself that good things take time
like good wine and good friends
a long hard day of work and somewhere to sleep but you were
calluses and broken dreams
sharp words and flat notes im sorry i didnt tell you
that you broke me into five pieces and i called myself brand new
i want this ending to write itself instead of crumbling like fragments
i pull the splinters from my hand
a disaster that was once a reflection in the broken pieces i see myself
thank god this time i dont see you

what happens when a boy leaves

the first thing i wanted to do
as my chest tightened and the words blurred
was run away
not because this house isnt full of love and warmth
but because my parents raised me on pillars of their own strength
they let their love define them
never their weaknesses and here i was letting weakness define my love
i wanted to find cold in an august night
silence in the suburbs which sounds easier than it is
i wanted to find the crack along my chest that im still sure is there
and shed the battered skin ive worn for long enough

i was born screaming and fighting
i was born knowing that i could shoot daggers from my eyes
and bleed beneath my fingernails as i ripped away layer by layer
of the doubt that my brain was clouded under
i grew up with a streak of shyness
a streak i dyed red or blue or gray
depending on the way i couldnt deal that night
nothing could break me
a frozen over lake in the middle of december everyone thought
i was so safe

i walk on nails and i stomp out demons
sometimes my nightmares leave me in cold sweats
i wake up and take a shower i let myself forget
a boy shouldnt break me
i never ran away
instead i pined for a deep glass of wine
and someone to talk to that i hadnt shut out
since everything is protected by lock boxes and brick walls
strong is not always the best adjective
loved
is what i think i wanted
she is what you certainly have and i
am again alone
collapsing pillars and never knowing when to quit
maybe i wont torture myself tonight
and i will sleep instead

Please Don’t Look At Me Right Now, It’s Been A Bad Few Weeks

never enough never enough never enough
rings in my head like
its been working nails into my spine like
i like you but, i love you but, i think youre great but
every person tied to a girlfriend, an ex, a past
im fragile
im delicate
i think she wants something more and god damn it you
you have never wanted enough

oh

im sorry that i forgot to scream i am human from the top of a building
into the rain into the snow
into my oncoming future i hate you like poison
like gunshots
like rain when all i prayed for was a little sunshine
god damn
all i really ever wanted to be was
enough

a gentle hand working its way across my wrist. stop.
eyes bright enough that i convince myself to get lost. stop.
i need knives and sandpaper
i need one second that i wont second guess
re-think replay and then regret
all i have is cotton balls and a sour taste in my mouth
all i have is words
and right now
thats not enough