Existence

there is a hollowness
where once words wound themselves into
tight circular vines without meaning
or intent and
there once was a
girl who sat behind a pile of papers and didnt cry
for the dying trees
but cried for her dying soul
and there once were photographs that mattered
faces with fading smiles
faces with caught of guard genuinely happy in the moment not directed at a lens
sort of expressions
that we fall in love with
there once was love

the past blinded us and burned our skin
and gave us scars with embarrassing stories of tripping over ourselves
in the process of tripping into what we call adulthood
we are penniless and scared
as we reveal our bodies and our souls and
hope there is free food to satisfy our hungry stomachs
we try to heal our bodies on ramen and tea
but we cannot heal our aching hearts
who long to be in this in between space
forever
and also to grow up faster

there were tired searching hands
that held textbooks and overpriced cups of coffee
that needed to find each other but instead
found the unfulfilling touch of someone who
doesnt care
we are not searching for love
in spaces reserved for romance tales and story book endings
we are not searching for love
at all

our hearts beat differently to the same drummed out pattern
of the society we have created
molded
passed on to those around us
the same that has made us laugh and cry
and kick ourselves as we lay screaming on the ground
as we feel pain course through our bodies
coining the phrase life isnt fair
to justify the magnitude of our sorrows

they have said my heart only hurts because a man
boy
child doesnt love me in the ways he should
what if my heart hurts in spite of his love (there is no love)

what if my heart hurts because there are people dying
who should be alive
and there are people bullied
who should be happy and thriving
because uniqueness should not be diminished to conformity
because shining in a different light is still shining
although we call it stupid

our loves
our lives our existence is fruitless and vain
and beautiful beyond compare
i want to rip my heart out of my chest
and throw it away
i want to cradle own heart and tell it
everything will be okay if it keeps marching on
i want to
tell myself that i am beautiful
i want to scream that he is perfect and stupid and
i want to scream for my life to be over
and to never stop

im where i belong and everywhere i shouldnt be

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