I’m not sure/anymore

i dont want you to find beauty in ugly things
i want you to breathe the syllables of my beauty

im sorry im so selfish

i wash my face with ice cold water now
because it hurts a little
and because it makes me miss you
i cant make instant coffee
anymore

i sat by myself for two hours
i stared at strangers hands and wondered what it would feel like
to hold them

you always said you loved the things that were broken
the
crooked picture frames and cracked mirrors
its why my skin would crawl when you would say
i love you
its why
i never believed you when you said it all mattered

things are never
more than they seem
even though people with square glasses and mean eyes
tend to say otherwise because they think
the opinions from their nasal voices are
ultimate

i feel warped and broken now
dying for super glue and nail guns
melting wax and
amber colored paint
i am sunsets covered by clouds
but i dont want to be fixed by you
anymore

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Drinking doesn’t (help)

get yourself drunk
another shot more
please
tell me you love me
i want to hate you in the morning

slur your words so badly
that it almost makes up for the way your
body will lean against the wall
to hold yourself upright
drop the drink you have in your hand
bonus points if
it spills all over the dress i wore
for you
because it is your favorite color

smoke the cigarettes the ones that kill your lungs
the ones you only smoke when youre drunk
enough to think that its okay
that breathing doesnt matter

your heart beat quickens sometimes
about as irregular as youve always been
the softness of your lips
the sweetness of your stories
the hardened edges of your jawline
and your attitude

draw squiggled when you think
they are straight
please
tell me you hate me
i want to love you in the morning

Why am I..

i am vulnerability
a crumbling girl in the ER
somehow changed when its all passed
good news
a happy ending
bad news
happy endings dont always account
for the scars and bruises they leave along the way
the trains are about to collide
but dont jump off or you will surely
die
why are we always taking our chances by living?
and
i am still surprised the sky hasnt fallen down
quiet yet unless
it has and this is the eternal blue we live in

have you ever noticed the way people look before they cry?
all inhales and blinking eyes
you think you can stop the inevitable
but you cant
you are two trains about to collide
dont jump off because those tears are
as important as the beating of your heart
and those damned lungs that dont give up

my brain is wired differently now
triggers that i never expected
big red PANIC BUTTONS that say do not touch
and only in case of emergencies
there are places in my mind now i never would have imagined
railroad tracks
you guessed
im sure
two trains about to collide
please jump
this time and take the risk of flying out that window
see what the ground feels like instead of the impact

i am standing in front of a train that is stopped
i am standing in the ocean barely touching my ankles
i am sitting outside in a rainstorm
i am everything about to collide and im
taking the risk of living.

Heartbeats

i want to claw my way into your heart
until i sew myself inside

i want to kick out your heart beat
in temper tantrums and calm steps

until your sinews sing in metaphors
you hadnt imagined

until you speak in lines of poetry that make
the other take you seriously

i want them to mark you as a REAL MAN
and think that you have graduated from some unbeknownst boyhood

i want you to soak in the rain and the heat
until you feel more human

and when all these things are settled i
will defiantly give your body back to you

and when your heart beats without the kicking
of my aching legs

i want you to love me still

Unconditionally

dont love with conditions
and parentheses and quotation marks
and doodled brackets around the reasons
why today you love him but tomorrow you are unsure

love him in every breath
in every syllable that you utter
love him in the way he sometimes
slurps his coffee and he always loses his page
in the book he is reading
love him in the way you are always cold
and his hands are always colder
love that he is not the completion of you
but the addition of your story

love him even when his voice gets soft and scared
even more so when he is unsure
when he is a little lost
a little sad
wondering if the path he is on is the right one
prove that you want to walk alongside him
even when you are inhaling dust and you cant
stop coughing and your eyes are
burning a little

love him even when he eats all the leftovers
the ones you looked forward to all day
love him even as he talks to you over your favorite movie
or thought you were listening while you were studying
love him because
he loves you
without brackets and quotation marks

he loves you even when you arent listening
even when you make fun of the way he loses his page
his path
his footing even when you are scared
and small and frozen
he has loved you

forget your withering soul
and drop the conditions
the barriers
just love

So Be It

he said he liked you but isnt the
relationship kind of guy
and then he gets some girlfriend
who you admit is much cuter
and more talented she has a better laugh
than yours and you know he smiles
at least ten times more with her than he ever did with you
so be it

and you didnt get an A
even though being smart and doing well in school
was always your thing
and you feel like jumping off a cliff
down just like your GPA
until you cant breathe and that last paper
is irrelevant as yesterdays news
so be it

and youre not as pretty or as funny
or as smart as you ever thought you should be
you dont feel like sleeping
or showering
or eating and sometimes
the mere thought of existence makes
you so tired that you
curl into a ball and fall asleep without an alarm
so be it

so be it
so be it
so be it
you say it so many times that you hear
SOVIET
and you think of Russia

and cold winters and cracked lips
and half used chapsticks and love letters you never wrote
and love songs you never sang
with words literally cracking on your lips
that everything hurts
everything is shattering and already shattered
frozen in that position because
you still need to learn

you still need to learn that your body is yours
its all you have
and to stop getting so tired at the thought of living

you need to learn that youre probably
not better off without him but hes better off without
the mess you called you
and you will move on with dignity and grace
and without finishing that last drink at that party
and calling him

you need to think in green lights
instead of stop signs
and in coffee stained good mornings and love letters you did
write and send a million times over

you need to accept
so be it.

I’m Sick (And I’m Sorry)

im not the best listener
sometimes i interrupt because i get
excited the words overflow from my mouth
before i realize you never put a period at the end of your
sentence….

sometimes i forget things
birthdays or concerts or important facts
favorite colors or allergies or fears
i forget that thing you said last wednesday
and what we had for lunch today
but trust me now i know i wont forget

sometimes it seems as if i dont care
at all
less than at all because im caught up in my
own constructed reality that
has a place for you

im not the best friend
but i try

all i wanted was a good friend back
and i dont
i dont think you even tried (this time).