This is Lame

im shivers and running water
mountains and valleys because of simple sentences
and lost senses
nights that slip between our fingers and mornings that contain promise
i used to fall so easily into the weighted darkness
and find myself in different homes
lose myself in someone that couldnt hold me for longer than five minutes
two cups of coffee later
black so i would hate the taste and make it go faster
i would realize the damage i had done the new nightmares i had caused
self harm inflicted in my bones

my mouth is like a prisoner
my hands like a freed slave i am awake im freedom
i can write you a thousand lines about what it means to see you look at me
and to look back in fullness and fairness an equity that ive never had before
that we dont tire after moments
or after months
but my lips close around my teeth close around my tongue contain the ink that spills from
my fingertips but cant be vocalized in the same way
lips like sugar lips like honey lips like bees
ill find the courage to speak these words
and find dawn in the way it makes your eyes light up in front of mine
and find new chapters in the way it frees my soul



i start with trying to hide because your voice finds mine your voice seeks mine
your eyes see right through the barriers ive built and ive rushed to protect
the heart i dont really care about
i love you like hot pine needles and warm water
like deep breathing like deep laughing
and how my fingernail polish always chips moments after its dry
because its imperfect but its expected and
there is calm in consistency even if its a mess
and i love you like fireflies in jars
the first very warm day of spring, the first very cool day of fall
the first promise of snow
i dont care for change unless its the circle of seasons or finding you to hold instead
of just myself

i love you like shards of glass in my throat because i break beautiful things
like a paper cut and the feeling of not being able to stop crying
like home sometimes like falling on ice
i cant describe you to the people that i meet
i love you like rain like an inconvenience to some like the most
god damn beautiful thing ive ever been given in my life
and its sharp and smooth a knife in my back a rock in my hand
a broken window and a wish i find my favorite things all in list
and theres your name
my handwriting doesnt look the same as it curves around your letters
and my chipped fingernail polish looks beautiful and
its sort of like melting and building tearing down recreating
full of action full of life
full of something tired of hiding
sometimes i love you like i cant breathe sometimes its more like i cant stop talking
and at the center of the web is something shiny something different
something platinum not gold something steel and shiny and lasting

Irrationality #4

i think i should say ive skipped
meaningless kisses on late nights that always
ended up in me crying because im simply only
good enough in moments
and only good enough for myself in fragments

my story was never pretty

let me say i dont want to write this
its the very first thing that hurts me hands
to type onto this blank screen

i almost skipped you and im not even a little bit sorry

i will think of you in silences
and i will learn to crush my feelings
into finer grains of sand
because i was never really good at being
a glass figurine anyhow

you had honest hands and a broken heart
i had neither but i always pretended we were the same
a secret thread of beauty whispered about
in silences (much prettier than the other kinds of noise)
i was delusional of course
i always am but you
you made me think of starlight in new ways
without ever having talked of the stars

we are friends now or so we say
as i walk away from you faster than i could think
of an excuse to tell you why i need to leave
instead i dont speak i let you revel in the broken silence
and i confuse myself at every turn

i was only good for you in moments and
i cant pretend that i am still okay when you say
you want to meet up at 2 a.m. and i am alone
if you are not here i do
not want you to be


i put together the puzzle pieces
slowly at first
corner pieces and edges until everything starts to
fill in
and it makes me miss you
as the details of the picture are called into focus
until the picture is
just like i thought we once were

and the puzzle is finished
accomplishments complete and as the puzzle finishes itself
i am sad
because there is nowhere for it to go
except to break itself up
and pack itself away

i break apart the pieces i so tediously put together
and gather them into the worn box
i hide it away in the closet that doesnt have enough space
and no one really looks into anyway
everything there is prized and covered in dust

it makes me miss you

Memories Are Cruel Things

i miss you in a way that burns the inside of my eyelids
whenever i close them
because i see your face in the darkness
its comfort is haunting
because the you i see
is not real
and i miss you in a way
that claws at my skin because
i feel your heat in your absence
the way your hands intertwined in mind
so simply
the way our bodies pressed together so easily
the way your heat
compensated for my coolness
i miss you in a way that eats at my words
because my sentences feel incomplete without
your thoughts
and everything is unfinished
as i unravel at the thought of you
and i miss you most
because i do not yet know you
and i fear not meeting you
and fear and longing are such close friends
they hold my hands as i wander into
sleepless nights
and tired days

I live for,

I live for 
the small validations of life, small stars on dark nights, for
the large validations in life, spring after a particularly long winter, for
tight hugs from friends you’ve missed, for 
teary reunions with family members, for 
doing better at something than you thought you would.

I breathe for 
awkward eye contact with beautiful strangers, for 
drunken conversations with enthusiastic people, for
that moment when you actually remember what you had forgotten, for
eating an entire box of cookies and not feeling guilty about it. 

I live for the people in my life that created me, 
and for those faceless people I hope to someday create, for 
the past, present and future version of me, for
letting that girl (whoever she is) know that the world is hers, for
being loved unconditionally 
and for finding what it means to love others in the same way.