To the Boys that Never Loved Me, And Then They Leave

i wake up before my alarm
exhausted eyes watering eyes bleeding
sometimes surprised that im still breathing in out in out
nothing too tragic yet
and i wake up exhausted and try to fall back asleep
five minutes feels like a lifetime
i have a lifetime of sadness and three lifetimes of love left to give
someone always told me to smile more than you frown
i dont really believe that anymore
but i still wear my muscles sore trying
to make things better for the universe
better for myself i plant a garden of flowers in my stomach but
they never grow
people stare at me with glass in their eyes telling me my body will never
know love my body will never be called home

the thought of today: are they right?
are the voices that follow me in whispers really
reading from books of truths and stabbing me with knives of reality
i always used to think they were wrong but lately i am
finding that nothing is serious
im a joke
the biggest joke

“im sorry but” is the worst three words to me
“its not you im just” is the next five i cant stand
they are always followed by strings of sentences that dont mean anything
i dont care how you see me with your rose colored glasses
i dont care how you sit there and dont see me
as you see everyone else
“I’m sorry but I’m leaving” is all I have to say

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Sunrise

oh girl, strong girl
swallow down your hot tea and shards of glass
there is nothing left for you here
that you wont cut your tongue on
so wait away the bitterness for better mornings and
longer nights of sleep

convince yourself you are right with every syllable
every breath
you are the growing golden sunrise that people go to watch
illuminate the world with your brilliance
get out of bed

this doesnt have to be so hard to write
to steady yourself
to cross the river because after all someone
already built the bridge and all you have to do is convince yourself to move
its a matter of small steps and swallowing your pride and
having some conviction

its about stopping the stream of apologies from your vulnerable mouth
like youre bleeding and you cant stop it you feel dumb and crazy
but girl,
swallow down your feelings
you will get through today