Desperation

im clawing at the side of a mountain
the dirt underneath my fingernails is beautiful
its reality
its life its where ive been all along
fighting because life is a struggle
a complicated struggle it makes my heart hurt

you used to be beside me to lift me up when i thought i would drop
i used to be beside you to shout words of encouragement
i come home to empty apartments
i leave and wonder what this day will bring
worrying i always sit here worrying about you and
lets be honest i hold everything too close
i say everything too loud i panic in calm situations

there is dirt underneath my fingernails
it used to be beautiful but now, alone
i struggle against the weight of this reality
gravity
we used to protect each other from falling down
we kept each other weightless

i claw my way up another foot, maybe ive just fallen behind
that you’re somewhere waiting for me
but
ive lost a lot
ive lost things i thought were more permanent
and things i knew i never had to begin with
ive never stopped climbing
i dont know how to lose a friend i dont know how to lose you

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