This is Lame

im shivers and running water
mountains and valleys because of simple sentences
and lost senses
nights that slip between our fingers and mornings that contain promise
i used to fall so easily into the weighted darkness
and find myself in different homes
lose myself in someone that couldnt hold me for longer than five minutes
two cups of coffee later
black so i would hate the taste and make it go faster
i would realize the damage i had done the new nightmares i had caused
self harm inflicted in my bones

my mouth is like a prisoner
my hands like a freed slave i am awake im freedom
i can write you a thousand lines about what it means to see you look at me
and to look back in fullness and fairness an equity that ive never had before
that we dont tire after moments
or after months
but my lips close around my teeth close around my tongue contain the ink that spills from
my fingertips but cant be vocalized in the same way
lips like sugar lips like honey lips like bees
ill find the courage to speak these words
and find dawn in the way it makes your eyes light up in front of mine
and find new chapters in the way it frees my soul

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There’s A Theme Here, Do You See It?

“I think he’s one of the best things to happen to you.”
she was always serious about these things, about boys and coffee
about dinnertime and how to tell someone you care about them
she looked at me with tired eyes, the sun in both of our faces
i couldnt help but laugh
i wanted to shrug him off already feeling like a sweater
i would like too much and wear thin
i wanted to crumble him into the smallest pieces i could manage and plant
him in the ground and leave something for everyone else
i nodded in the laugh
i was always serious about these things, about boys and not folding in the corners of your favorite book even if its the absolute best thing youve ever read
about turning off alarm clocks and how someone looks right before theyve given up
and when they remember not to

i dont know where to place him
among dusty books that i havent had the chance to read but are perfectly new
something that i will be excited about and forget about for awhile
something to think about
something to let simmer beneath the surface for awhile because
i dont have time and most books have sad endings nowadays anyway

i dont know where to place him
i dont have the words to tell someone i care too much
i care more than “i dont want to take this seriously”
i care more than “im just trying to have fun”
and im certain that i care more than becoming another mess
you will deal with but certainly dont have to clean up

i care about “the best thing that happened to me”
and as it disintegrates i wish
i cared about something different

Irrationality #5 (Finale)

crushing like
i cant finish my sentences and i want to scream
that i love you although im sure i dont
because the desire to be weightless and
no more a slave to gravity is like
trying to drink in the stars on the cloudiest nights
its wanting to sleep three extra hours

all the nights i do not sleep i will give to you
if you look at me in a way that says YOU ARE DIFFERENT
you dont need to scream it but i need to hear it
and i dont hear anything
unless it has been repeated twenty times in my head
and then etched into my heart
i bleed for you
because i bleed for everyone i bleed because i need to remember
these are not things i want to fade

broken like i realize the cracked sidewalk
i am walking on but i pretend it is perfect
that the flaws of the world
the simplest of flaws are absorbed and so you can absorb me
one giant flaw
one complication that no one can handle

i wont give you faith
i will not trust you
but i will give you all the meals i havent eaten
as i sit here pretending like im not dissolving
and mostly wishing that i would dissolve faster

we kiss like were broken hungry miserable
we look at each other like we are one string about to be cut
you dont make any sense to me
and i hate you for it
i hate it so much that my insides are fighting a battle
a battle to tell my mind how weak it is
to believe that my heart
is right because my heart is ALWAYS wrong
we kiss like we are hungry and it should be
beautiful but it isnt
we are emaciated starving futuristic suffering

i have never smashed my fist through a window
or hit my head into a wall over and over and over
but i have a feeling that this all feels similar
i ache everywhere
im in pain because i cannot fathom my own reality
i ache for you and i ache for myself

Irrationality #2

there were lots of things i didnt know about you
like how you enjoyed donning a superhero cape
and pretending like you could save
my day and my life
by your presence i would be fixed

i guess no one told you that i am not a some sort of
material object
and mostly what was broken needed to be that way

i was fragments and anger but
you said i had a “shitty taste in music and movies”
is there a poetic way to say that?
i remember thinking this was what it was like
to come home to a boy stuck
in the 1950’s

sometimes i cringe when i think about you
im sorry that comes off so cold
you never were a “bad person”
perhaps not the person i needed

i never hated you although i hated the way your mother
gave me dirty looks for months
as if the way i “broke your heart” was unforgivable
although it was necessary
and the way your sister pointed jaded looks at my sister
as if either of them
were ever wrapped up in any of this

you loved PDA kisses and i hated the thought of you
almost instantly

i never knew i was your first kiss
im sorry because i know i shattered some ideals of women
maybe you didnt know that you shouldnt have said
“youre not going to school for a real major”
maybe no one ever taught you to validate
every
single
person despite their differences

it feels weird
to pretend to talk to you now when youre the
only one who never made an appearance back into my life
except the day after we “broke up”
and you asked if i was okay
i never had the heart to tell you
i was breathing easier than i had been in awhile

i guess this poem is wrong because
apologies are really hard and im not really
sorry for anything
although i should be

Irrationality Number 1

fragile
its the only way i can describe the way i was
when he stumbled into my life
i was going to write this poem for him until i realized
i never really knew him
or know him now

all i know is that
fragility that created me was also the thing that broke me

two years and i wondered why i couldnt be better
be enough for him
why radio silence would break up the perfectly average
moments he did deign to kiss my lips
and compliment my average person

before i met him i went to bed at 9
p.m. and i never shouted out anothers name in my haunted dreams
before i met him i was a bundle of insecurities and
he fixed all of them and none of them

i believed in butterflies until they made me so nervous
that i was the fragile girl
losing too much weight
i screamed at myself because no one noticed
and i needed to pull myself up alone
(i wish i had let people notice)
(i wish i had stopped throwing up at 3 a.m. before i forgot how to stop)

i blamed everyone else but myself
i tied knots around my words and sealed them away
how could i be worthy of poetic verses that described someone
that differed so far from reality
how could my words for him cut the truth in half
and disregard all wrong things found in his skeleton

i was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen
i was nineteen before i realized that i didnt need anyone
how could i have let his inconsistency hold my weakened heart
until i learned to make it beat stronger
on my own

my footsteps are waterfalls
his kiss was perfect
until i realized it was poison
im not sorry he happened
i am sorry i did

I wonder

one day someone is going to ask about you
and i wonder what i will say
if i will recount all the stars that had fallen in your eyes
or the way that
your words pulled truths from the air
obvious truths that we had never considered

i wonder if i will say that i loved him in ways i never imagined
and hated him in ways
that broke my soul and crushed the
good things left inside of me
or just the way he laughed a little at his own jokes
because he knew just how charming he was

i wonder if ill just smile
the littlest of smiles
and say that we were friends
that once i knew all your secrets
and all the things that drove you crazy
and i hope that smile stays and i hope that it is real