I Wanted This For You

i woke up confused with anger on my lips
regret in my stomach
hate burning from somewhere i couldnt reach
when things got complicated
confrontational
something screamed disaster and i begged for home

when i do reach home i try to destroy it
rip and shred until something new appears
shiny hard and cold
something precious something beautiful something unbreakable
my fragile heart sits on nails
and i dont mind
i dig holes deeper to bury what my arms are too tired to carry
i dont have much energy left but i will let the winds
carry me until i dare to walk again

ill bruise my knuckles fighting my demons
i dont ever want to be a sob story a “im sorry i was so mad
when you left last night its like
every other time i watched someone leave”
ill swallow swords
i dont want to ever be the one that got hurt a “i wont talk about it
because every other person tried to keep me a secret”

i wont break my own heart as it sits on the sharp metal
that keeps it alive and threatens to make it bleed
chaos
i wont be another mistake

Self-Reliance

the bathroom floor tiles are colder than my insides
and this would surprise some people for
the rumor is that perhaps my heart has already stopped beating
and long ago a monster replaced the girl
but her lipstick and her eyeliner remained the same
so hardly anyone noticed

im fine with crowded bodies and sloppy conversations in
apartments that are too cheap
for how much we pay for them
im fine with throwing a few dollars away for happiness
or the carefully constructed version of happiness
a recipe that i have long ago claimed and am
hesitant
as always to share

ive always been okay with cheap headphones as long as its not silent
ive always been okay with silence as long as you arent here
this bed wasnt built for two
this heart wasnt built to be home
and i hope you dont blame me
as i go

Irrationality #6

endings feel like ropes
suffocation
i told you we were fine i was so happy for you
for her
i drank too much wine i felt numb i felt something
i felt enough to mess it all up again
i wonder when i will ever feel more than a pothole
an uneven piece of sidewalk cement tripping up peoples toes
sometimes making people bleed in my inconvenience

i am a car accident waiting to happen

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night
but i always fall back asleep with a different name
on my lips
it doesnt take long for me to realize that you
and i were more like razor blades than rain
i hate that i believed in you when we kissed

it took me months to find the sober courage to write this
it will take me months to stop thinking about you
with numbness and needles
because i needed you to leave and you stand on the periphery
of everything i do i hope i change your name in my phone
i hope i delete you there too i hope i will rip the bandaid off
and bleed honestly

Confessions

i havent written anything for a long time
i feel like im losing space to breathe inside my chest
inside this world i am getting smaller and buried deeper
my fingers are tired of clawing the dirt away from my face
my body is tired of fighting for every breath and constantly
remembering that this used to breathing
im surprised now im not one giant scar
one illustrative bruise one more car wreck that makes people cringe
but one of so many we cringe and forget
we dont have it in our hearts to remember every name
i wonder sometimes
so quietly
who would remember mine
im fighting im fighting im fine

i woke up early the other day to find myself trapped
in eating and cleaning and eating
i cant stay interested in the world around me much longer than
a moment
thats all i have
i fill the space of something i dont have with bodies
so there isnt emptiness
i sleep alone and i get nightmares i wake up sweating
i turn my fan off because i was convinced it wasnt on
there is too much heat inside of me sometimes i think i will erupt
and bad poetry will come spilling out of me and someone will call from the crowd
and make me admit
that i really have never been in love
that im a liar and im a fake
this ache in my chest cant possibly be real
all i have left now is one conversation and the lights
from a window that i stared at although i had never seen
the building before
all i have left now is a rain soaked sidewalk and a simple sentence
all you trusted me with more still
than i could ever give to you

one day i will come to terms with my imperfections
i will fall to my knees and cry over what i couldnt fix
what i could fix now if i only had been braver
brave enough to admit all the mistakes i have made
one day i wont think about the spring months and cringe
because spring brought me him
spring brought me you and spring made me lose myself

i keep feeling like i will fall asleep
maybe wake up and feel better
maybe stay asleep a little longer im always a little sorry
i wake up a little sooner and still feel the same
i havent written anything for awhile and i
only have myself to blame