Born Screaming

i dont understand you as you rush to
silence me
hush hush now
sometimes you say please but mostly
i see the trace of resentment on your lips
as if i am daring you by speaking but
dont you see
i was born screaming
words ripping through me faster than i could think of them
dont you get that
i was born with a flame that
despite even the most inexhaustible efforts
will not be extinguished
dont you understand that i was born
with raised fists and a belief in
fighting
clawing
dragging our tired bodies through this world
with passion
so dont say shut up
i cant

Advertisements

Scream, Scream Monster

i want to let my scream rip into the silence
but i keep my lips pressed together
actively turning white
containing my demons
it’s 5 a.m.
streets empty and i still feel
like someone is going to jump out and grab me
claw into my skin
rip me open remind me that the monsters
within me really are skin deep
sometimes i want people to realize what i actually am
monster
screaming horror story that has nothing to do
with the realities that define us

i do not scream
i just keep walking to home
a home that exists in this construction
im not sure where i am now
im not sure why i jump at every shadow
because i hear my heart yelling
that the shadows should eat me alive
monster
find the ones that are the same
instead of pretending along the lines of
a reality you dont buy into
when
you ask me if i made it home okay
i will test my strength
let minutes pass until i answer
sure
sure im home okay

Visualizations

i want to be quotation marks
the best thing you ever said to me
and the smallest whisper that echoes in your head
i didnt think you heard me
i always think youre sleeping

i want
so badly to be an exclamation point
rare
exciting and marking the moments
we mostly want to remember
and the points we usually will

and i want to be capital letters
YOU and ME and all sorts of others
that don’t make sense unless they are
glued together
definitive
challenging recklessness
daring
god
daring us to be real with someone else
because
if these letters can attach together
forever
then what are we so afraid of?

that reminds me
i want to be a question mark the same one
that hits me right in the chest
when the answer is thrilling
the same open space
the opportunity for something
something unknown

instead
i find myself in long sighs
in ellipses
(and uncertainty that reminds me of nothing but death)
in periods
finality and ending
in semicolons
that
that god no one uses properly

and mostly
i want to stop seeing you in every
god
in every damn sentence i read

What is Being Okay

i let this feeling grow inside of me
i focus on it
twisting
somewhere behind my ribs
stretching all the way down to my toes
all encompassing sometimes
i cant think breathe
swallow chew
oh wait chew, swallow
i literally cannot believe how cold my hands are right now

this
this has nothing to do with him or you
or staircases and chewing gum
this is every moment ive said
how simply okay it is
to be stepped on
thrown away
pushed aside
i
i
should know better by now

i look in the mirror and i have betrayed myself
this i know
and this i let stab me
behind my eyes
behind my ribs somewhere
i really cant breathe now

for awhile i thought you were stabbing
stabbing me in the back
but i realize now
i was holding the knife the whole time
and
i would like to clean the blood off now thanks

You Never Answered My Desperate Letters

you will never understand
i will stop staring at his lips
the second he stops staring at me
and
if you cannot hold me anymore
please stop holding me with your stare
you make me melt and
ive never liked the heat

i am insatiable

reckless they say although not to my face
my heart rides waves of tumult it
stares storms in the face without blinking
(mostly because ive never known hearts to have eyes
even though they have fear)
i want
to fall in love courageously

diving head first into the abyss
the water has always scared me
and i tend to fall flat
painful
a little stupid
what is irrational creates us

i want to fall in love irrationally and
believe that it will last forever

Remembering

i want you to remember me
even if i have to give you the matches
to burn my image in your eyes
until even when you blink you wonder
why im still there
sleeping inside your eyelids
keeping you awake

i want you to remember me even if i have to give you the ink
so you can draw me onto your skin until
my image is coursing through your veins and
actually
touching your heart in a way even my
most honest words couldnt and

i want you to
much later feel the need to tell me
that you remember
to scream it in late night messages
to whisper it to people
you can only hope that i still talk to
(i probably dont)
lets leave people wondering
why you so urgently need to talk to me

i dont want you to forget

Stream of Consciousness: Last Night

Last night we barely even saw each other. In fact, I saw you before you saw me which is fairly dangerous and then I meagerly positioned myself so that you wouldn’t see me right away. I tried to laugh at the right times and hug all the right people, I tried to finish that stupid drink on an empty stomach and I did none of those things right. Of course, I laughed with a weird force smile and held onto the cup without thinking that I should just put it down. Last night, we didn’t kiss. We barely even touched. And when we did your hug was so cold I thought I could have easily just met you for the first time. As if, as if you barely remembered me or I was that girl in one of your high school classes that you never talked to and accidentally ran into a few years later. You would ask me about my post-graduation life and I would think of the hundreds of things that I had done that had barely mattered, the very real laughs I had shared and the much warmer hugs that had embraced my perpetually cold body and I would realize that too much time would have even passed to make it worthwhile to try and ease the awkward tension hanging between us. I would tell you my life has been busy and great and ask, in a forced enthused way how you were too. I would see the flicker of your greatness (and your failures) the loves and lost ones and you would answer much in the same way. Your response would stab me a little even though I did the same thing. I guess, I’m always the reliant, dependent one.
But I’m not that girl. I saw you only a mere few weeks ago. The light was better, I saw your face. In fact, you were the very first face I even saw. The one that had helped me get there. And I fell into your arms right away and the heat that reached my body was fatal and real. We had just enough to say, the laughs felt genuine. And last night you left 10 minutes after I even saw you under some weird circumstances that fate or something worse had prescribed because I needed to be screamed at that IT IS OVER. That once was never will be never once again, because the ideal is not meeting with reality along the same horizontal path I now walk on. Last night I went home 20 minutes after you left and tried to erase you from my dreams.