Heat

every single thing ive written has ended in
save draft
delete erase pull the paper from the notebook
close my eyes and forget the words
did note even flow through my veins
i cant understand why other loves are fire
and you are ice
i cant understand why im moving in slow motion
while i breathe like ive been running for ages

i cant slow down for you
for you
i see Dante’s flames and i feel nothing
with you
i see Milton’s paradise
and i put a small smile on my face as if
paradise means something more than eternal damnation
when right now
it all feels the same
the same

treadmill running
and cyclical rain showers
day and night on a horizon
where one feels exactly like the other
i determine the temperature on my skin is perfect
like Plath’s bathtub water
but i still crave your coldness
like it is the hottest summer day

maybe
i need your cool and you need my heat maybe
i dont need anything at all
but a more temperate place
to breathe

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Notebooks

dont be another name i cross out when i see it
that i avoid in conversation
that makes me cringe when someone says it
even when it isnt you
dont
be the person i will cross the street to avoid
who makes my actions plastic when
youre in the same room because even when your eyes
are avoiding me
i feel them

please

you could be marble notebooks filled with poetry
you could be baskets of fruit and sandwiches
moments pulled from novels
moments pulled from our imaginations

we could be something like the starry night
the painting or the thing
itself and we could be colors and darkness
and mystery if we wanted to be
if you
dont make yourself
another statistic
another number another disappointment
another bruise in the growing list
of hurts that i have caused i will rip something inside of me
and give it to you
as long as you
can try and stay

No Princess Endings

i’ll cut my hair into short choppy pieces
before you dare climb
my tower where i ran to get away from your perfect smile
and your tarnished intentions
i am not a dreaming fairy princess
with a gold dress
and that skinny perfect body that people swoon over
i am crinkled up pieces of paper that is slightly torn at the edges

and i am strong
stronger than a wedding ring and a soft song
i am monster trucks and
accidentally burning my hand on the oven as i bake
and not screaming although i want to

i am paved roads covered in ice
i am a tempest
strong and true
waves waves crashing boats

i am sunshine sands something irresistible
i am a cut telephone line and i
will drink more tea
and go back to sleep after you kiss me
and i cry

no one needs to be saved when
you are so much
so much all alone

Tell Me Something

tell me how perfect you are
scream it scream it
rip it into your skin burn it into mine
i dont believe you
i look at you and see flesh and bones and maybe
im missing the gold shades that people say
outline your every move
and maybe im dumb or blind or too angry
maybe i need sunglasses or a few years
heaviness on my shoulders
or maybe i should put less sugar in my coffee

ive heard youre amazing
brilliant all the things that they say you are
is a textbook definition of WHAT I WANT
and the textbook defintion has ripped edges and cigarette burns
because i got tired of the words on the page
arent we tired of the words
we set up just so that every other person on the planet fails

i want to spin forever
and not burn myself or the next person they say
i will adore

Are We All Eve

i think of Eve and Satan
the need for knowledge something more
something greater that Adam would have to notice
and i think
how are her and i different at all?

and i think of
journals that i was too afraid to write
in because ink was damning and permanent
how ive always been afraid
and maybe i was born eighty years old
and afraid so afraid
i wear my wounds with pride
because those were the moments i forgot my fear

i wonder what youre hiding
always
the bruises i cannot see but can only taste
when we kiss but you cant open your eyes
to look at me
and when you talk there is poison
somewhere
in the midst of something pure i see
the apple i cant eat
the apple i will eat
im sorry
im sorry

One Year

fragmented breath peeling skin
breathe in breathe out the windows in this room
arent real but
you are
and one day when the earth shatters and
collapses within itself i will scream your name
i hope that makes you feel better

searching searching always looking
underneath the dogeared pages of a used dictionary
definitions
nothing equates to you
im thirsty
hungry for a taste untouched by my lips
you are something
i am insatiable

and poetry has confines
lines drawn square boxes that someone calls a circle
we disagree but
we dont understand
i want to write you love letters that dont require words
and melt wax until it burns my skin
in the shape of something youll actually understand
and
i dont want to be wandering anymore

Future Musings

i picture
saturday mornings
tea and coffee and warm bagels
i see
crying over a particularly good book
and shoulder massages

i see deep colors
thunderstorms
bike crashes and tears
i see
loud arguments
and slamming doors
i dont understand the words that
are coming out of your mouth

somehow
these pictures are one and the same
you
you
you i see you but i dont know you
a disaster
a miracle

i see envelopes and stamps
letters and distances long car rides
tears
arguments
i cant understand the words coming out of my own mouth
and you tease me because all the boxes
of my books are too heavy for me to carry down the stairs
when we move
into an apartment that is still too small
for the two of us

i see
us
you
me disastrous wondrous
something