close my eyes begging for a blank space
close my eyes and wish for sleepless dreams the more i want gray i get color
i want to stop writing about a boy that doesnt matter i pick up
every pen in my apartment and hope that it will say a different thing
it always writes lines the include everything but your name
the passcode to the secrets that dont matter
they dont matter because they arent supposed to exist
because i freeze when your name comes up in conversation because im still
trying my best to act casual act natural work on your acting skills little girl
didnt they tell you that you would never get far if you care too much
youre too crazy dont show it
act casual act natural
put on your makeup backstage and put on a performance
put on your makeup in the bathroom mirror with the lights off and put on a damn show

im freezing but i dont ask for a sweatshirt
i bite my tongue until i bleed i dont ask for water to rinse my gums
i swallow my words i swallow my own blood i am a carnivore
i cannot kill a spider i cannot extinguish my own voice
power and powerless tied together dependent on each other for survival
the frog waiting to be stung by the scorpion
unable to decide which one i am
just moments away from drowning acting like i know how to swim
acting like im not afraid of endings
blank pages and i pray for words that dont lead me down the same
twisted path
blank spaces and all my fingers find is a space
that still holds you too close


Words I Believe Too Much Now

ice cold fingers
even colder heart
my armor is too thick
my inner thoughts too guarded
i can’t deny the truth of what i wish was falsehood

hot face burning with thought
hot tears when i realize days later that i cant change the ice queen
ive decided to become long ago
throwing elbows when i walk casually deciding to win the race
of “I definitely care less”
i have won and i have lost so much
like a participation ribbon for last place i want to set fire to my skin to
tell my soul to warm up just a bit

shivering body
shivering thoughts nothing really makes sense anymore
am the dumbest person ive ever met desperate for someone to understand me
unwilling to let them know who i am
and ive found myself once again
in last place
running too slow
and im already too late its over
no participation ribbon just a forgotten girl

There’s A Theme Here, Do You See It?

“I think he’s one of the best things to happen to you.”
she was always serious about these things, about boys and coffee
about dinnertime and how to tell someone you care about them
she looked at me with tired eyes, the sun in both of our faces
i couldnt help but laugh
i wanted to shrug him off already feeling like a sweater
i would like too much and wear thin
i wanted to crumble him into the smallest pieces i could manage and plant
him in the ground and leave something for everyone else
i nodded in the laugh
i was always serious about these things, about boys and not folding in the corners of your favorite book even if its the absolute best thing youve ever read
about turning off alarm clocks and how someone looks right before theyve given up
and when they remember not to

i dont know where to place him
among dusty books that i havent had the chance to read but are perfectly new
something that i will be excited about and forget about for awhile
something to think about
something to let simmer beneath the surface for awhile because
i dont have time and most books have sad endings nowadays anyway

i dont know where to place him
i dont have the words to tell someone i care too much
i care more than “i dont want to take this seriously”
i care more than “im just trying to have fun”
and im certain that i care more than becoming another mess
you will deal with but certainly dont have to clean up

i care about “the best thing that happened to me”
and as it disintegrates i wish
i cared about something different