Last Time

i can feel my fingers breaking as i stop myself from reaching out to you
i will bite my tongue until it bleeds before i tell you
that this is not working
the guise of friendship is not strong enough
the bonds of shared laughs and memories
of moments that were perfect
the bonds of spewed fears and sadness
are strong but not strong enough for me to say
that everything is perfect

you twist your words more beautifully than i ever thought lies could sound
why did i ever tell you the things that plague my mind
maybe a think tongue and a fuzzy mind are not good things
maybe plastic happiness melts too easily because it is too cheaply made
to easy to secure but to never check
i need my plastic heart but i cannot rely on yours

this is the last time i dedicate words to the unnamed you that i know
who is you
so clearly
because i am sad and sometimes it hurts to breathe
and i want this to work but i cannot fathom how it could
so this is it
my goodbye

Unfortunately

they call it a broken heart but they couldnt possibly understand because
i cant breathe normally
and my chest feels numb and my hands are barely moving
every place you ever touched feels different
in such a way that i dont know myself anymore than i never knew you

if the road shifted while i was walking it would make
perfect sense
i have ended up so far from where i thought i was headed
i am left looking at eyes i do not recognize
laughing at conversations
i do not understand because it should make sense and it doesnt

i am fire that is being rained on
i am barely surviving
i am holding on for heat and running away from ashes
maybe my past is holding me tightly because
our future is so cold

if only i could open my eyes and close my heart to you
and everything that has happened
sign it off as meaningless
just something that happened in mistakes and creative words
i wish your name was written in chalk
i wish it would wash away
i wish this didnt hurt so badly

Words to Strangers

if you would hold me for one more moment
i would tell you present tense
that it is okay to be sad
even if you are loved and blanketed in common comforts
and normal happenings
even if you have a job and a place to live and
this person to go home to because sadness is pervasive despite your best
efforts to run away

i would tell you present tense that you are the one who has captivated my heart
for far longer than i could have imagined
i would think about the way my stomach drops at your name
the irrationality of it all and how like most irrational things
i thrive on the unsustainable beauty if it all

i would tell you that i am mad at you only in past tense
that the thought of your breath makes my anger dissipate
one glance and the depth of anger is gone i am level
i am clear headed and i make no sense
because looking at you is like looking at the culmination of my past and future
the embodiment of present tense and all the
beautiful complicated things that actually make my life worth it

if you would stay i would tell you these things
but there you go again
so good at leaving with no goodbyes

Complicated

the words fizzle into my throat because they dont matter
they never have
the way your face meets mine is nothing
really
nothing because i cant look you straight in the eye and i dont want to

you are here and i am here
can you imagine anything simultaneously greater
and absolutely worse

you are here but you and i have watched us walk on separate paths
i have waited for your feet to reach mine and they never did

can you be in the same place in a different
space and time with different thoughts
and different worries so disconnected from each other

i think i want to walk away quietly but i cant
you are alive and i am a dead girl in a warm body
a statue in a park webbed with lies from older generations
they speak of lust and love and smiles that melt even the coldest hearts
into something poetic
could you make my heart beat once
i want to be alive

Imaginary Endings

i inhale but nothing smells right
the pieces of you that you left behind are fading
it started with your impression on my pillow
the covers pushed to the end of the bed because you could never keep still
it started with the things that were yours disappearing into garbage cans
and secret boxes
it started because i washed the mug you always used
and threw away the toothbrush that was here
it started because i couldnt bare the the thought of the bareness
of this room without you
it seems a lot bigger without your height
it seems a lot emptier without your laugh

i wrote a lot of letters but i dont know your address
you see
you lived in my being and then you lived here
to protect me you left me nothing
or so thats what you said
but i feel battle wounds not bandaids
the most beautiful night sky couldnt cure me

i burn myself by accident as i go to take a bath
they say hot baths cure everything
but Sylvia Plath must not have known you
when she wrote this
she must not have known the way
your eyes would close when you would laugh too hard
the way i could cry just thinking of your happiness

you left me nothing because you know that im addicted to the pieces
you left behind
the pieces that are fading because
the air no longer smells like you
and i cant picture all your freckles
and i have lost count of the different shades of brown your eyes could be
you left me nothing and here i am
wishing for something that cannot be returned
and praying to no one that i heal
although healing would mean letting go
and clearly
i have been better at other things

This Is Desperation

if you wanted to love me
i wouldnt say no
i would whisper yes into every crevice of your being
i would hold you tightly
and choose to let you go
because your feet will lead you to all the places you need to go
and i want them to lead you back to me

if you wanted to love me
i wouldnt say no
i would lend you all my tears when you needed to cry
i would rub your back when you were sick and i would
hold your hand just long enough for you to feel like you could never be alone

if you wanted to love me
i wouldnt say no
instead i would watch my own world change around me
the tones of solitary sadness would no longer ring in my ears
and i wouldnt have to explain
all the reasons why
im better off alone

if you wanted to love me
i wouldnt say no
i would memorize every part of you and forget it all
just so that i could learn you again from the beginning
i would hope that your change would be my change
i would hope we would never grow apart

if you wanted to love me
i wouldnt say no
i would watch your path collide with mine
i would sigh with happiness because that is what happy people do
they exhale because their bodies are so full with their feeling
they are not empty

if you wanted to love me
i could never say no
because ive loved you for longer than i have loved myself
it is dangerous water i swim in
but i would never leave
if you wanted to love me
i would tell you i love you too

A Cliche Poem

i am only a little sad
now
and there are better things to be
but at least the little follows the sad and not the great
kind of sad that once sat next to me and consumed my soul
today i am only a little sad
and i think of that girl

the one who gets to take those pictures with you
where you both look so happy
the receiver of your laugh and i think
that there are worse things to be
than to be her

today i am only a little sad because thinking
of the nonexistent paths from our past
leaves me feeling empty
and yet so full of regret
and the things i should have said

i should have said goodbye before you did
i should have told you how wrong you were
i should have said all the things i held in

instead i will prove to no one that i am better now
and believe it to be true