This is Lame

im shivers and running water
mountains and valleys because of simple sentences
and lost senses
nights that slip between our fingers and mornings that contain promise
i used to fall so easily into the weighted darkness
and find myself in different homes
lose myself in someone that couldnt hold me for longer than five minutes
two cups of coffee later
black so i would hate the taste and make it go faster
i would realize the damage i had done the new nightmares i had caused
self harm inflicted in my bones

my mouth is like a prisoner
my hands like a freed slave i am awake im freedom
i can write you a thousand lines about what it means to see you look at me
and to look back in fullness and fairness an equity that ive never had before
that we dont tire after moments
or after months
but my lips close around my teeth close around my tongue contain the ink that spills from
my fingertips but cant be vocalized in the same way
lips like sugar lips like honey lips like bees
ill find the courage to speak these words
and find dawn in the way it makes your eyes light up in front of mine
and find new chapters in the way it frees my soul

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Voices

ive never gone fearlessly
putting pillows at the bottom of the staircase before sledding down them
trying not to bump and bruise my pasty skin trying not to bump and cut my pastel cheeks
i was afraid of pain and bleeding
spending too much time trying not to take up any space
or make the straight line of balance crooked or to speak quietly
as to not interrupt the present conversation

until i realized the conversation was lacking
that my voice was a color it did not hold
that no one really wanted to see it
“we already have three shades of blue, why do we need another?”
if we didnt have my blue how would i explain the color of your eyes
or the color of my chipped nail polish?
if we didnt have my voice how could i detail every second of falling in love
of falling in and out of pain of feeling that the world is biased and unfair
that the world is beautiful and takes my breath away
and that sometimes to get your voice heard you have to bump
bruise bleed make a mess scream be the loudest person in the room
listen
be quiet
wrap yourself up in a blanket go to sleep no alarms
be somewhere you dont want to be
then go home
and find your voice again
and let it be known

Explosives

i start with trying to hide because your voice finds mine your voice seeks mine
your eyes see right through the barriers ive built and ive rushed to protect
the heart i dont really care about
i love you like hot pine needles and warm water
like deep breathing like deep laughing
and how my fingernail polish always chips moments after its dry
because its imperfect but its expected and
there is calm in consistency even if its a mess
and i love you like fireflies in jars
the first very warm day of spring, the first very cool day of fall
the first promise of snow
i dont care for change unless its the circle of seasons or finding you to hold instead
of just myself

i love you like shards of glass in my throat because i break beautiful things
like a paper cut and the feeling of not being able to stop crying
like home sometimes like falling on ice
i cant describe you to the people that i meet
i love you like rain like an inconvenience to some like the most
god damn beautiful thing ive ever been given in my life
and its sharp and smooth a knife in my back a rock in my hand
a broken window and a wish i find my favorite things all in list
and theres your name
my handwriting doesnt look the same as it curves around your letters
and my chipped fingernail polish looks beautiful and
its sort of like melting and building tearing down recreating
full of action full of life
full of something tired of hiding
sometimes i love you like i cant breathe sometimes its more like i cant stop talking
and at the center of the web is something shiny something different
something platinum not gold something steel and shiny and lasting

i want to paint music all across your skin
and remind myself that even you
the marble statue they put in the square to admire
are not exactly perfect
and as i paint the notes
in blue and gold and gray
and at least a little red
i will remind myself that it is my flaws you once loved
even for a moment

and i want to taste the melody and hum the tune
until the invisible words are etched into my skin
so deeply
i cannot shake the feeling and for days
i wake up happy without knowing exactly why
except i could sit in my own skin all day
and not hate the way it stretches across my bones

the sun sets right when im alright with the
color of the sky
and change worms its way into my life like a worm
a disease
a miracle
i needed you before i even met you
the song the colors the words
i had on the tip of my tongue
within my stomach and my soul that i had not figured out
how to invent or articulate
you
you bring out the best in me
and i dont want to leave the music just yet

Some Things Have To End

out of the small collection of hands
that i have held
i could have sworn that yours
yours were the ones that knew me
knew me well enough to hold me carefully and
touch me slowly
and wait while i gave myself time
to clear my head and put myself in this moment

i wish we could watch the way things curve
and break and fall apart
i wish we were better narrators of the lives
we lead, the stories we tell
better map makers of the paths we create and follow
i was never a cartographer
but how i would love to chart your skin
your smile the way your words had colors and
tones that made other people look
a little bit boring
and
i wish i knew when the path would end abruptly
so i wouldnt still be reeling
from almost hurtling myself off a cliff

A Love Letter to The Sky

i was the sun when you were the night sky
you complained of my brightness
sometimes my energy was too much
sometimes
the way i couldnt rest kept you up at night
i couldnt coo go back to sleep any more times
before you snapped
and i couldnt even blame you
humans with hearts and souls
need places to rest their heads
and close their eyes
i couldnt be your peace and quiet

i sit sometimes in the morning
and i look at all the things we have created
failing to remember all of things we have destroyed
you were always the piece of art that i wanted to preserve
i sometimes have to remember that
i really did set you all on fire

i washed my arms my hands wishing
willing the burn marks to fade
but as the blisters grew more painful
i was glad for once
to hurt in a way
i could actually recognize
instead of the way the sun
hurts the night sky
i burned myself before you exploded
into nothing

Springtime

it was this time one year when you first
fell the pulling strings of love
and wondered how they twisted your stomach
more than your heart and smiles meant something differently
and words were spoken quickly
timing was infinite
while things were endless

and the eventual end found new winters and new sprins

it was this time one year
when someone else pulled your stomach
pulled your heart and your mind
and all pieces of you sung in new harmonies
it didnt make sense
it never had
to
whispered apologies
“please dont tell anyone”
and then the eventual everyone knows
we found new winters and new springs
i just want to know that your eyes
are still my favorite place to be

but
now that a new spring has arrived i feel
nothing but sadness and nostalgia
for the warm hands that no longer hold mine
the glances i could dream of
but could not find
this space is haunted by memories
this warmth is tinted with shades
of the happiest moments ive had left to live

and when the sadness lifts
i hope i can find a new
spring