Explosives

i start with trying to hide because your voice finds mine your voice seeks mine
your eyes see right through the barriers ive built and ive rushed to protect
the heart i dont really care about
i love you like hot pine needles and warm water
like deep breathing like deep laughing
and how my fingernail polish always chips moments after its dry
because its imperfect but its expected and
there is calm in consistency even if its a mess
and i love you like fireflies in jars
the first very warm day of spring, the first very cool day of fall
the first promise of snow
i dont care for change unless its the circle of seasons or finding you to hold instead
of just myself

i love you like shards of glass in my throat because i break beautiful things
like a paper cut and the feeling of not being able to stop crying
like home sometimes like falling on ice
i cant describe you to the people that i meet
i love you like rain like an inconvenience to some like the most
god damn beautiful thing ive ever been given in my life
and its sharp and smooth a knife in my back a rock in my hand
a broken window and a wish i find my favorite things all in list
and theres your name
my handwriting doesnt look the same as it curves around your letters
and my chipped fingernail polish looks beautiful and
its sort of like melting and building tearing down recreating
full of action full of life
full of something tired of hiding
sometimes i love you like i cant breathe sometimes its more like i cant stop talking
and at the center of the web is something shiny something different
something platinum not gold something steel and shiny and lasting

I’m Sick (And I’m Sorry)

im not the best listener
sometimes i interrupt because i get
excited the words overflow from my mouth
before i realize you never put a period at the end of your
sentence….

sometimes i forget things
birthdays or concerts or important facts
favorite colors or allergies or fears
i forget that thing you said last wednesday
and what we had for lunch today
but trust me now i know i wont forget

sometimes it seems as if i dont care
at all
less than at all because im caught up in my
own constructed reality that
has a place for you

im not the best friend
but i try

all i wanted was a good friend back
and i dont
i dont think you even tried (this time).

About Me, The Real Way

i will sigh after news stories of politicians spewing promises
they have no intention of keeping
and when he breaks his promise i will think of him
as no less than our president
but i wont hold him to it
boys never call when they say they will but i wont ever
actually pick up the phone

i will cry sometimes while watching the news
or thinking of the sadness that things cannot always be fixed
i will twist the ring around my finger
because my mind is somewhere else
i will write him into every poem and see him at
every street corner
i will say that my mind barely pauses on him for more
than a moment each day

i miss the sound of his voice and i will let that ache grow
until i am biting my fingernails and
taking melatonin just to fall asleep
every dream will be vivid
and instantly forgotten
this space will feel more empty than it has ever felt

and somehow i will not find a way to define
myself anymore
because i will not recognize the face in the mirror
or the body i possess
and i wont regret it
i wont even think about it

I Don’t Want To Talk About It.

she stands close to the edge of the people and wonders
how she got so fragile
and why her shaking hands are clutched around a plastic cup
of a drink that burns her throat
and confuses her mind
that she doesnt even like the taste of

her feet hurt but her heart hurts more
as if cavernous holes decided to bury themselves within her chest
and she wonders how it is possible to miss
a boy she never even met
or long for moments she never experienced
or how she can stand in one place for a little
too long
and realize that she will miss
this
even as she experiences it

she swallows the rest of the liquid and shivers
a little as it poisons her body
she is conflicted because she never thought she would
break any rules
instead she has crushed them
and has created new ones
her feet ache but her head hurts more why
do they not tell you that
being yourself truly also means
accepting contradictions
of your very soul and being

she longs to be a girl who smiles without reservation
she longs to know what exactly it is that she wants
to rid herself of the voices of indecision
to rid herself of the complications of never knowing
and she cannot decide why she will never feel complete
and she cannot decide why she is not happy in this place

in the superficial she has
never been happier
or more excited about her potential for living and breathing
and continuing the journey that they say has just began
but in reality
she sips warm beer that she wont finish
and wonders why her smile is always as fake
as the glossy pictures she tapes all over her room
a facade on white walls
and a facade on pale skin

I Will Not Say Goodbye

when i finally find the courage
buried deep within the ground
when i have worn my nails to the quick
and i am covered in all of the things i was supposed to throw away
but buried instead
when i find that courage i will leave and i will
only think of looking back for a moment
i wont look back

i will follow paths travelled
and not yet made
i will march on confidently
i will stumble
and i will cry out into the spaces that wont hear me
i will confess my weakness
to no one but the air

and maybe the wind will whisper she has has gone
maybe you will take that moment to believe it
in a way you never believed me
and you will think
i will return
i always do

i will leave and i will only think about turning back for a second
i will not turn back
i will cry into the nothingness
and i will not say goodbye
you will not have the luxury to know that i am leaving
only that i have left
and i will not return
like i always do

something is waiting for me out there
buried within me
and all the space outside of me
i cannot drag myself down
suffocate my own ideas
one day i will leave and i will not say goodbye

Love Lies

love lies in the poems you used to leave me
scrawled on our bathroom mirror
tacked to the broken refrigerator handle
notes that would glow with your happiness
your gratitude
love lies in the way your hand found mine so easily
when it was dark and i was nervous
how your hand could stop mine from shaking
how easily you could craft security from nothing
love lies in your face greeting mine in the morning
all tired eyes and soft smiles and the
promise of a new day
waking up beside you knowing things could only get greater
and love lies in the sunset
that we watch from seperate places
feeling together although we are apart
and hoping the connection hasnt expired on the other side
that there are more long calls and lonely nights
to dream about a promising future
love lies in the coffee you make me
because you know how i like it
and the way you kill the spiders in the bathroom
even before i scream at them
and how you could always disagree with me
but never put me down
love lies in the greatness of my world with you in it
the valuation of human existence exemplified into something greater
i am not alone
i can say
and i can mean it for the first time
so sincerely
but its better for me to always remember
love lies