Because I Still Care

You.
You know exactly who you are because you only feign stupidity sometimes
in the moments it will make other people laugh
only because you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.
Please pretend I never said that.
I need something to latch onto in this sea of misunderstanding and non communication.
Something.
Anything.
Why am I waking up in the middle of the night feeling lips that haven’t kissed me in months??????
WHY AM I WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT REACHING FOR SOMEONE WHO ISNT THERE?
Why am I still
asking myself these
redundant questions/am I still human?
You broke my little cold heart into 65 million little cold pieces
that people think are pebbles so they kick them around,
you
you reminded me that somewhere in the depths of myself
I had real feelings
emotions
hungry echoes of better love poetry.
Why would you remind me than casually walk away?
WHY
would you spit in my face nonliterally
and make it so my chest literally
very literally
hurts and my body literally
very literally
never wants to get out of bed in the morning..>…>?
Did you know that I was human when you broke me?

I want to throw up today and forever because I don’t have you
as a person or as a thought anymore.
I stare at your face and I wonder how
how
HOW did we become so far apart and if I could would I change it?
Would I let myself be unafraid of your crystalline eyes and goofy smile?
I don’t know that I would,
you’ve always scared me just a little.
You made me smile and now
now I hate you because
shards of glass piercing my skin wouldn’t hurt as much
as your words resounding in my brainless head.
(I ripped my brains out when I knew you’d never love me).

I hate that the drops and dips of my stomach have been replaced
by a tightness that won’t leave me alone.
I hate that the quiet compliments you used to whisper in my ear
have been replaced by the lines of casual conversation we have always stuck to.
Your semblance of normal is caustic, I mean,
this is the worst thing I have ever written and I still hate you more than I hate this.
Actually,
I am just really sorry that I cannot form real words
in the real world and that I miss you very
VERY very much.

Pyramids

she touches you and i feel something in me explode
innocent touches as she laughs
because you have always been funnier than you admit
the kind of person that casually destroys lives

the visceral hating person inside of me reacts
i want to punch her
i want to scream
like a toddler in a grocery store
denied of my favorite food

i let my world blur around me
but it doesnt help
even as the world gets funnier and my tongue gets heavier
my words flow easier and everything is supposed to be
light
funny
nothing helps because i miss you as we sit next to each other

i miss you because my words are stiff and polite
i miss you because my eyes cant connect with yours
i miss you because your whispered words are no longer mine to hold
and i miss you because i wanted those words so badly

and i hate her
because she has the privilege of listening to you laugh
and its so casual for her and it matters to me very much

cant you tell i care too much
cant you tell
cant you

Caring and Demons

The memories fade to blackness
as I lay in bed and pray for sleep.
I never worry
about losing them, I know they will show up in my
dreams.
If this was the world where
in order
to succeed you needed to care less,
I would lose so miserably.
I wouldn’t know where to begin.
But if this was the world
where you needed to care more
well,
my friend,
I’m afraid I would lose there too.
Because caring and contemplating about
caring
are two different monsters.