Waiting

close my eyes begging for a blank space
close my eyes and wish for sleepless dreams the more i want gray i get color
i want to stop writing about a boy that doesnt matter i pick up
every pen in my apartment and hope that it will say a different thing
it always writes lines the include everything but your name
the passcode to the secrets that dont matter
they dont matter because they arent supposed to exist
because i freeze when your name comes up in conversation because im still
trying my best to act casual act natural work on your acting skills little girl
didnt they tell you that you would never get far if you care too much
youre too crazy dont show it
act casual act natural
put on your makeup backstage and put on a performance
put on your makeup in the bathroom mirror with the lights off and put on a damn show

im freezing but i dont ask for a sweatshirt
i bite my tongue until i bleed i dont ask for water to rinse my gums
i swallow my words i swallow my own blood i am a carnivore
i cannot kill a spider i cannot extinguish my own voice
power and powerless tied together dependent on each other for survival
the frog waiting to be stung by the scorpion
unable to decide which one i am
just moments away from drowning acting like i know how to swim
acting like im not afraid of endings
blank pages and i pray for words that dont lead me down the same
twisted path
blank spaces and all my fingers find is a space
that still holds you too close
waiting
waiting

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