Confessions

i havent written anything for a long time
i feel like im losing space to breathe inside my chest
inside this world i am getting smaller and buried deeper
my fingers are tired of clawing the dirt away from my face
my body is tired of fighting for every breath and constantly
remembering that this used to breathing
im surprised now im not one giant scar
one illustrative bruise one more car wreck that makes people cringe
but one of so many we cringe and forget
we dont have it in our hearts to remember every name
i wonder sometimes
so quietly
who would remember mine
im fighting im fighting im fine

i woke up early the other day to find myself trapped
in eating and cleaning and eating
i cant stay interested in the world around me much longer than
a moment
thats all i have
i fill the space of something i dont have with bodies
so there isnt emptiness
i sleep alone and i get nightmares i wake up sweating
i turn my fan off because i was convinced it wasnt on
there is too much heat inside of me sometimes i think i will erupt
and bad poetry will come spilling out of me and someone will call from the crowd
and make me admit
that i really have never been in love
that im a liar and im a fake
this ache in my chest cant possibly be real
all i have left now is one conversation and the lights
from a window that i stared at although i had never seen
the building before
all i have left now is a rain soaked sidewalk and a simple sentence
all you trusted me with more still
than i could ever give to you

one day i will come to terms with my imperfections
i will fall to my knees and cry over what i couldnt fix
what i could fix now if i only had been braver
brave enough to admit all the mistakes i have made
one day i wont think about the spring months and cringe
because spring brought me him
spring brought me you and spring made me lose myself

i keep feeling like i will fall asleep
maybe wake up and feel better
maybe stay asleep a little longer im always a little sorry
i wake up a little sooner and still feel the same
i havent written anything for awhile and i
only have myself to blame

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