what happens when a boy leaves

the first thing i wanted to do
as my chest tightened and the words blurred
was run away
not because this house isnt full of love and warmth
but because my parents raised me on pillars of their own strength
they let their love define them
never their weaknesses and here i was letting weakness define my love
i wanted to find cold in an august night
silence in the suburbs which sounds easier than it is
i wanted to find the crack along my chest that im still sure is there
and shed the battered skin ive worn for long enough

i was born screaming and fighting
i was born knowing that i could shoot daggers from my eyes
and bleed beneath my fingernails as i ripped away layer by layer
of the doubt that my brain was clouded under
i grew up with a streak of shyness
a streak i dyed red or blue or gray
depending on the way i couldnt deal that night
nothing could break me
a frozen over lake in the middle of december everyone thought
i was so safe

i walk on nails and i stomp out demons
sometimes my nightmares leave me in cold sweats
i wake up and take a shower i let myself forget
a boy shouldnt break me
i never ran away
instead i pined for a deep glass of wine
and someone to talk to that i hadnt shut out
since everything is protected by lock boxes and brick walls
strong is not always the best adjective
is what i think i wanted
she is what you certainly have and i
am again alone
collapsing pillars and never knowing when to quit
maybe i wont torture myself tonight
and i will sleep instead


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