Are We Even Trying? (Probably….)

gold stars
GREAT JOB stamps and smiley faces inked in red pen
gather dust in the back of the closet
boxes of the moments where we would
believe that we could do no wrong
i remember wanting to be imperfect
to read words wrong and make things wrong
to be sent back like the others
i am not a shining star anymore
i am a gold star collecting dust
corners gone and color faded

all i have now are rejected emails
unfinished applications and
things i no longer even try for
because my hands are so damn tired
from holding onto what i have while reaching what i cant
i wanted the freshest fruit from the top
i wanted to stand on the edge of cliffs only to see the stars
and now i eat what falls prematurely and
want to jump sometimes

i mark myself in invalid valuations
A A A for your effort but now
im failing to even find the words to say to friends
forget thesis statements and
collaborative papers
i cant find sentences that are born out of the fibers of my own
heart and maybe its because my hands are shaking so badly
i cant even hold the pen and maybe
im shaking so badly i cant even open my mouth
to speak because i will forget to breathe
and maybe
im just tired of trying

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