Irrationality Number 1

its the only way i can describe the way i was
when he stumbled into my life
i was going to write this poem for him until i realized
i never really knew him
or know him now

all i know is that
fragility that created me was also the thing that broke me

two years and i wondered why i couldnt be better
be enough for him
why radio silence would break up the perfectly average
moments he did deign to kiss my lips
and compliment my average person

before i met him i went to bed at 9
p.m. and i never shouted out anothers name in my haunted dreams
before i met him i was a bundle of insecurities and
he fixed all of them and none of them

i believed in butterflies until they made me so nervous
that i was the fragile girl
losing too much weight
i screamed at myself because no one noticed
and i needed to pull myself up alone
(i wish i had let people notice)
(i wish i had stopped throwing up at 3 a.m. before i forgot how to stop)

i blamed everyone else but myself
i tied knots around my words and sealed them away
how could i be worthy of poetic verses that described someone
that differed so far from reality
how could my words for him cut the truth in half
and disregard all wrong things found in his skeleton

i was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen
i was nineteen before i realized that i didnt need anyone
how could i have let his inconsistency hold my weakened heart
until i learned to make it beat stronger
on my own

my footsteps are waterfalls
his kiss was perfect
until i realized it was poison
im not sorry he happened
i am sorry i did


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