I Don’t Want To Talk About It.

she stands close to the edge of the people and wonders
how she got so fragile
and why her shaking hands are clutched around a plastic cup
of a drink that burns her throat
and confuses her mind
that she doesnt even like the taste of

her feet hurt but her heart hurts more
as if cavernous holes decided to bury themselves within her chest
and she wonders how it is possible to miss
a boy she never even met
or long for moments she never experienced
or how she can stand in one place for a little
too long
and realize that she will miss
this
even as she experiences it

she swallows the rest of the liquid and shivers
a little as it poisons her body
she is conflicted because she never thought she would
break any rules
instead she has crushed them
and has created new ones
her feet ache but her head hurts more why
do they not tell you that
being yourself truly also means
accepting contradictions
of your very soul and being

she longs to be a girl who smiles without reservation
she longs to know what exactly it is that she wants
to rid herself of the voices of indecision
to rid herself of the complications of never knowing
and she cannot decide why she will never feel complete
and she cannot decide why she is not happy in this place

in the superficial she has
never been happier
or more excited about her potential for living and breathing
and continuing the journey that they say has just began
but in reality
she sips warm beer that she wont finish
and wonders why her smile is always as fake
as the glossy pictures she tapes all over her room
a facade on white walls
and a facade on pale skin

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