If’s

if you choose to love me
i must warn you that the path will be unpaved and curved
there are no straight lines in the meandering of life
clinging to another

you will have to love me even as i cry because i cannot cross the road
or am afraid of the dark
or have an irrational fear of dragonflies because sometimes
i believe that my life was paused at the age of five
and i have yet to recover

you will have to love me even as i cry
the ugliest of cries
and snot runs down my face
and only my right eye tears because the left one has been slow
since birth
and you will have to watch as i shut myself out of life
including you

i hope that you will love me even though i cant fall asleep at night
and my hands shake
and i have a chronic face of hatred
even though im still learning to appreciate the beauty in the world

i hope that you will love me even though
i find phone calls awkward and text messaging worse
and my poetry sounds more like bad rambling
and i cant sing but i refuse to not sing

you will have to love me as the world colors itself in
and loses color
and as i sniffle because im sad or sick
or trying to deny my sadness or sickness
because you
you see through me as if i wasnt an opaque object of your affection
you see through me
but you pretend you dont
and i already love you

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