3 a.m. thoughts

i cannot sleep which is both natural for me and unnatural
for the rest of the living planet
i cannot slip into the subconscious state of impermanent deadness
that i so crave and desire
i am left
to wonder endlessly about who i could talk to
as i lay here alone staring into nothing
and trying to steady my breathing to convince myself
i am already asleep
the anxiety that prods me awake can only be dissipated by human contact
a few encouraging words
or a simple tight hug
the brush of a lips on my neck
like it really matters although im sure it does
on some other level that is not the one i occupy

i am not blessed with someone to wake up in the middle of the night
because im scared of my own demons
what i have been and what i always in the process of becoming
i am stuck subscribing to 3 a.m. solitude
which ultimately leads to
tears
frustration and hatred for inanimate objects
like the glowing clock and the streetlamp
i blame them for my failures
as if they caused these cracks that leave me here
wide awake

3 a.m. is an excuse to want to talk to him when in reality
the desire exists in a constant
3 a.m. is weakness embodied and i am
weakness absolute
i wonder
i wonder if he is sleeping and i wonder
if i think about him hard enough will i somehow
be emulated in his thoughts awake
or his dreams asleep
and whether or not the act of him thinking of me ever even matters
in the slightest
hopefully in another layer
that i do not occupy

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