A (Sad) Letter

“I can’t lie to you.” I say which is why
I laughed it off when I couldn’t explain
that knowing you loved someone else
shattered me into pieces as fine as dust
and pieced me back together so I had the strength to wish you happiness.
You wanted to know why I couldn’t explain, you see
I am the worst with words that are supposed to slip from your tongue
in between tangled bed sheets, the early hours of the morning
nothing made sense especially you.
I laughed,
I wasn’t happy.

I wasn’t happy because I couldn’t explain the words that my head was screaming,
you see I am a perfectly afraid being. I wish it wasn’t so.

Now the silence has fallen between us,
desperate, permanent, clinging to every inch of my skin.
The skin that I want to pull of my body in layers
until it stops calling for you.
I can feel myself breaking but it doesn’t help.
In the silence I have found no solace
no reprieve.
We never even got the chance to pace our own beginnings
to laugh about the way you made me smile especially
when you weren’t being funny.
We never even got the opportunity to paint our own starting line
instead
so silent you stand
and so silent I stand far away,
grasping for something that never was.

It is unfair because I still feel intensely,
I always have. But the precedent for my pain is seemingly
nonexistent.
I am so tired of telling people I don’t care about you,
when it should be so obvious I do.
I do.

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