i pulled a page out of a notebook and threw away the edges
no one would notice that it was ever gone
unless they count 100 page notebook as 99 pages
i wrote
across the top in letters too big
my handwriting unsure of what to do with itself when not confined between two lines
i wrote
IM SORRY and then i wrote
for giving up on you
for ever believing in you in the first place
for not being able to forgive you
or myself
for cutting my hair short that one time
for letting myself believe i was better off without those girls who used to be my best friends whose laughter used to be my medicine
for pretending i was better than the world around me
for not telling people when the hurt was eating me
for updating everyone on details of my life when i only care about .3% of the people that read it
for knowing that those .3% of people either arent reading it or arent caring
for looking back too often
for looking forward too often
for swallowing my words when i should be shouting them
for making myself known
for making sure that i was unknown
for the contradictions that define me and surround me
for disappointing such various levels of people i can no longer count
for breathing too loudly
for wishing that i could stop breathing
for complicating things inside my head
for not telling you how much you hurt me when i was stupid and 16 and did i mention stupid
for investing in happy endings but never pursuing them

the page filled up too quickly so i flipped it around I flattened the paper
i second guessed how big i wrote IM SORRY so i wrote it a little smaller and then i wrote
for what my hair looks like when i roll out of bed
for not caring what people think about me
and for caring considerably too much
for letting others words hurt me when they should have glided off of me
for being weak
for putting on a strong face
for not asking for help when i needed to
for reaching out to all the wrong people
for asking too much of myself
for not looking in mirrors
for wondering why i couldnt be one of them you know the ones who captivate everyones attention
for not being better for you or for myself

and so i took this paper worn with ink and i burned it
as a way to learn
to forgive myself
and i buried the ashes so no one would no it was missing unless
someone counted
and found they were missing a page


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