Stream of Consciousness- Missing.

I miss you in a fleeting way. Only if fleeting means that sometimes I can go a few days without thinking about you in any way. And then other days it rips into me in a way I have never felt. The feeling pulls out my soul and screams “HOW COULD YOU LET THIS BE SO BROKEN?” Then it shoves my soul back into me, leaving me full and unsettled and worried. I wait for the feeling to return to rip out the dark, jagged, pieces of me and pat me on the back. To tell me that I may not be healed but I am healing. Of course then the feeling would disappear altogether instead of just showing me the pieces of myself I could not heal. That’s the problem with healing, it’s temporary and hard and strange and incomplete. We want absolution but we cannot have it. On that front we really can’t have most of what we want and I need to learn this. I miss you in a way that I wake up with your face in my eyes and I feel unsettled and incomplete, knowing my dreams were inevitably about you, even if I can only remember ragged snippets of stolen kisses and fragments of conversations we will never have. I miss you in a way that I look at my phone and clutch, metaphorically of course, at my heart knowing it isn’t you. It is the constant struggle of waiting and guilt, of convincing of moving on and knowing that I cannot. It is letting myself be ripped open by some unknowable force just to prove to myself that I still care down to the very center of my unbalanced being.
So yes, I miss you, in a fleeting, painful, entire, way.

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