This Is Me Not Thanking You

i think once i was young and then once i was not so young
i think once i was scared and then once
i was so scared i forgot how to be scared
and i felt okay
not great but okay and that changed everything

one day i was really young, younger than i am now and younger
than i will ever be
and you grabbed my hand
and i said “oh!” because i wasnt expecting how warm your hands
would be in mine
i had no idea that my hands were even missing heat
they always feel cold now
not in a bad way but
it always hurts a little to know what youre missing

one day i was a little bit older
ill confess i was just a few hours older and you kissed me
and i didnt say anything because that
would have ruined
the moment i knew i had been missing
so indefinable and warm
and so uniquely you
my lips dont miss you which i guess
is bad because my hands are always screaming for your hands
but my lips are fickle
and always speak without thinking

i am a little older than i was and i
am so much less scared because of you
maybe i want to thank you but
not really because if it hadnt been you maybe it would have been someone
you didnt break my heart
so thank you for that but i have to tell
you that right when my hands held my own heart
poised to give it to you
i dropped it
yes yes
i know so maybe you didnt break it
but i sure did and
i walked away without even trying to pick
up one
singular piece

i willed my heart to you and
my hands scream for you
but this is not a thank you
this is me telling you that i
am braver now
and less alone in my
and my lips dont miss you
and thats okay
not great
but perfectly okay


One thought on “This Is Me Not Thanking You

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