This Is Me Not Thanking You

i think once i was young and then once i was not so young
i think once i was scared and then once
i was so scared i forgot how to be scared
and i felt okay
not great but okay and that changed everything

one day i was really young, younger than i am now and younger
than i will ever be
and you grabbed my hand
and i said “oh!” because i wasnt expecting how warm your hands
would be in mine
i had no idea that my hands were even missing heat
they always feel cold now
not in a bad way but
it always hurts a little to know what youre missing

one day i was a little bit older
ill confess i was just a few hours older and you kissed me
and i didnt say anything because that
would have ruined
the moment i knew i had been missing
something
so indefinable and warm
and so uniquely you
my lips dont miss you which i guess
is bad because my hands are always screaming for your hands
but my lips are fickle
and always speak without thinking

i am a little older than i was and i
am so much less scared because of you
maybe i want to thank you but
not really because if it hadnt been you maybe it would have been someone
else
you didnt break my heart
so thank you for that but i have to tell
you that right when my hands held my own heart
poised to give it to you
i dropped it
yes yes
i know so maybe you didnt break it
but i sure did and
i walked away without even trying to pick
up one
singular piece

i willed my heart to you and
my hands scream for you
but this is not a thank you
this is me telling you that i
am braver now
and less alone in my
alone-ness
and my lips dont miss you
and thats okay
not great
but perfectly okay

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One thought on “This Is Me Not Thanking You

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