Not Yours.

I am writing you this because words have always held my hand and my tongue has always betrayed me. I am afraid of how my voice sounds in the silence, is that crazy? I think cutting the air with words is brave and I lack the power. I think people are born with bravery, I have always been drowning in this fear. Anyway I’m writing you this because you are important and I am leaving.
I was never yours, you were never mine. That’s okay, these words of possession should apply to things- to books, to blankets, to safe havens of bedrooms and kitchen tables. But even in theory I was never yours. I don’t think I wanted to be although my head was constantly screaming that I did. I mean, my mind is always screaming something although it is so rarely welcome. Is that crazy? I know hearing voices is not exactly normal mental behavior but these unwelcome voices are all mine, I don’t know if that matters. Anyway, I am leaving because I have to. I want to even, although that may be pushing it. I have looked at enough faces, read enough words and eaten enough meals now to understand that I was never yours, not even in theory. I have cried enough times in the shower or into my pillow and woken up too many times to tell everyone that shares the air I do that I am doing well, striving even. I have dreamt enough of your face to know that you are not here and won’t be, even in theory. I have locked away my phone enough times to silently anger the last few people that shatter the walls and enter my world and to know your name won’t be on the screen. I am not sorry. I am okay, striving even and I am leaving, in theory of course because I was never yours.


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