Maybe’s and Sad Realizations

I was scared of failure
of the bad grade and the failed
test and
the moment when you can’t live up
to your own forced standards.
Sleeping,
eating,
putting myself together,
these things were
inconsistent.
I was not
damaged
and my smiles were real.
But my brain
was scrambled and in the chaos
I began to cling to things that
could not be.
And maybe your comfort,
your words
were necessary
because I could not comfort myself in the same ways
because
I would judge myself too harshly.
Maybe I wanted you for all
the wrong
reasons and maybe
those reasons will always be faulty.
Maybe not.

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