Stream of Consciousness, Love in an Afraid Way

She headed exhausted to the place she loved the most. She only had minutes, a brief unrealized glimmer of time until she needed to head somewhere else. Moving from a place she barely cared about to another place she barely cared about, the drudgery of it all eating at what was left of her being. She had been at this too long, she thought as she punched in the code to the apartment building. She wondered if he would be there, she sighed as realized the catch in her breath at the thought that he wouldn’t be. What was so terrifying about an empty apartment? Shouldn’t she be able to face everything on her own? She should but the nature of her being was that she didn’t want to face anything without him to back her. He smiled as she walked in and she tried not to note the surprise in his eyes when she put her bags down. She was in denial about the last time she had been here, spending nights in her half empty apartment because it was closer to her first job. He pulled her into the tightest hug and she exhaled into his t-shirt. The tensions of the day would not melt away, but they could be momentarily carried by someone else if they were willing, and he always was.
“I’m exhausted.” She said, he nodded. There was nothing new about this sentiment, and he said nothing. He smiled and pulled her to the couch. She snuggled up to his body, afraid of how unfamiliar the feeling of closeness was becoming. She breathed him in as she rested her head on his lap. He pulled his fingers through her hair, saying nothing because nothing was needed to be voiced.
“Wake me up in fifteen minutes.” She said because no, she could not forget that the world existed outside of the warmth of his embrace and the calmness of this apartment.
“What do you have to do?” He said, genuine interest always catching in his otherwise perfectly calm voice.
“I have a meeting with a new donor. The president of the clean up organization thinks I should meet him, apparently he’s a cool guy.It’s just a dinner, and it should be fine. It’s over on South Allen Street.”
“Skip it, you’re exhausted.” He said and she sighed. She sighed because his voice melted her into a million pieces. She wanted to lay here in a never ending state of tranquility. To never move, to never face anything except for him. She settled deeper in to his lap and closed her eyes. Of course she wouldn’t fall asleep, this was a game she was very used to playing by now. Instead she focused on the way his hands touched her face, so gently. The way he could emit his calmness into her, the way his very presence calmed every nerve in her otherwise fried system. After time he whispered,
“I love you.” And her eyes almost opened, so she could tell how he felt. His eyes were the biggest betrayer of truths. She needed to know if it was the sad kind of I love you, where he was saying it because he could feel her slipping into the spaces of her own head that he couldn’t reach. She wanted to scream her love for him, but she couldn’t. The last time she had said it was casually on the phone, two weeks ago when she had declined a dinner date because she needed to do some paperwork at the office. She could not say it now because her eyes were closed and she had faked her way into deep breathing and because she was too afraid. Almost as afraid as the time he had asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend. She had said she didn’t want to be anybody’s anything, but yes, they could be together exclusively. Of course, she was so afraid of titles then that she hadn’t realized how comforting it was to be able to say he was hers, that she was his.
Instead she remained perfectly still and let his fingers trace symbols into her back, he never moved, holding himself so still as to not disturb her. She loved him and that changed everything. It could not make her slow down, instead he sped her up in new ways. Her love for him scared her, and kept her still.


2 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness, Love in an Afraid Way

  1. Beautiful writing.
    It really brings me back to one of my past relationships.. I look back on it sometimes. Me and my ex would always lay down and listen to the silence and minutes would blur into hours. She’d trace symbols on me and my energy would slip into hers as she did. And it was like life wasn’t here anymore. Like we lifted ourselves from the boundaries of reality. We’d pass into the realm of energy, where matter does not exist.
    – I look back on it sometimes. I broke up with her because I was really focused on my life and I loved her so much. There wasn’t anything relative to what I experienced in those moments. – I learned much from that experience. Came to realize what truly matters in this world.. Like I’m sure that girl in this story has.. Sometimes we make dumb decisions because our fear, our ego, clouds our heart.
    Thanks for sharing. You brought me back to the past 🙂

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