I was sitting alone at a desk as far away from the rest of the world. Of course, I was in the middle of the world, right in the very heart of life. Just tucked away a little. The stacks of the library used to be intimidating to me, ceilings should not be that low, the air is stuffy, the place was scary. So I pushed myself to the top floor and hid in a corner by a window. I was sad, and didn’t know where else to go. I have 6 roommates in one room, I go to a school with 43,000 students, I share a bathroom with a floor of 40+ girls. There is no privacy here. And I loved that. I loved that I could share my experiences with my best friend here, that I could live alongside so many people.
And I loved it until the moment I needed a place to breathe, and nowhere seemed like the place to sit, teary-eyed and evaluate the changes I’ve let myself ignore until they caught up to me.
So I sat in the library, aware that there were students near me, near and yet, decidedly far enough away. They did not know me, I did not know them, and so I let myself cry quietly in the corner of the library. The perfect image of a very desperate girl.
And I learned a lot about my past and my present and I thought a lot about both of those things. I thought about the people I missed and the experiences I missed from school, before moving away. I thought of my family and how even when I’m working here I feel like I abandoned them in a time they needed me. Of course, no one has ever made me feel this way–this is where they wanted me to be. But self-loathing is a strong, formidable character.
Anyway, this is not about me, or I guess it is, but it’s about a safe-haven. Find your sanctuary and then imprint that feeling into your heart. So the next time you’re sitting at your desk with your 6 roommates in the room, and some youtube video makes you cry (It happens, don’t deny it) you can pretend you’re somewhere else. Because barely anything else matters.